..a little too sweet*

upset. sad. confused.

unknowingly im just depress.

here's an un-detailed story of my love life.

my heart broke for the very very first time thanks to Muhd Shahrul Rashidie better known by the name didie. he used to call me syg & dear.. in his sms.. and he usually sms me during lunch[i was still in school, lucky for him, everytime he sms-es i am having my break. dia mesti baru bgn tido! hahas.] and also at night. so u see, he is very sweet at that point in time. but i knew, he was somewhat a player. he has so many girl girl girl in his account. but i trusted him. although some of his friends advised [is it with an s or c? i cant remember! haha!] me against him. bleah! i trust and i trust fully unless he breaks my trust.

anyway, maybe i should have heeded their advise. he left me at 6plus on the morning of 31122006[hari raya aidiladha] after for about 4months plus. over reasons im yet to find out from him. but he called me at 7plus. but i didnt answer because i was busy in the kitchen! i wondered if i had answer what would have happened. but i didnt regret much. he kept saying he have to leave me but never told me why. all his argument was that i lack time for him, i dont msg much or call much. tsk. ok. u see, it's my fault ok? truhfully, i waited for his return. no matter how hurt i was. that was how much i believed in his love for me. he didnt cheat me. i dont know why he left.

he came and left again. i stopped waiting when he kicked me out of his life. erasing me from his memory on july 2007. so yes. that was when i stopped waiting and tried moving on slowly but painfully. i waited 7months ok. -it's like waiting to be in labour, giving birth prematurely. just trying to imagine the pain. haha![the previous statement is super redundant but i felt like putting it in anyway.]- but unfortunately, he came back on october 2008 during my 'a' levels period but i didnt know until end of november because it was exams period la.. no time to be online ok.. he asked for a "REUNION". so, i told this to my then, boyfriend. well now, didie's only a friend. his character has not changed. that for sure i know. but his lesung pipit still there la. haha!! but there's no way i want him back. he hurt once too many.

i NEVER met didie in real life although i have known him for some time.

Conclusion: didie is history. he has dimples. but he has some bad habits that i wished he would eventually throw. it is for his own good. he should stop running and face the obstacles. i wish i could open his eyes. but i cant. im not the one who is able to change him. all i can is advise him that there are people who care for him like his family. didie, if you're reading, i doubt u will, pls remember that you have a family who cares for you.

didie, no matter how shitty u treated me, no matter how much i hated u for doing that and for being a cause for that thing, i dont blame it on u. i have brains i could have figured a motive for that but i failed badly.

then on october 07, i met the sayang i love a lot. i found a super sweet replacement for didie. his name is Mohd Fadzil. :) he was my sweetheart.. i didnt fall in love because of how he looks ok..? maybe after i met him i fell more.. he has a very sweet look.. i like his eyes the most.. macam pakai celak.. but i rarely look at him when we talk.. i will forever be shy when im with him.. ok anyway, his character played the most important aspect that woo-ed the love out of me. :) he was very sincere, sweet, cheeky & funny.. he made me laugh a lot.. i just love the way he say things..

oh i remembered the first time we talked at ym, he was like asking me, "what's my name". but i was reluctant to say it. name dia da di-taip mah.. :p macam macam excuse la saye bagi.. haha! :) but eventually i said his name. haha!! he's very cute can? before we met for the first time, i kept asking him if he seriously wanted to meet me. haha!! then i will say something like this, " saye lain dari gmbr tao. lain sngt." or "cmne skali awak jmpe saye saye gemok,etc". ahahahhaaha!! then for the gemok part, if im not wrong he said, " kalau awak gemok saye lari." or "lagi besh kalau gemuk, ley peluk." isk. haha!! katun la dia ni. :) malangnye, saye papan giler.. tk sedap nk dipeluk.. rase tulang temulang je.. keh keh.. so we did meet!

haha!! time nampak dia first.. mcm nk pengsan je.. dia kecik sngt [pada saye la kan].. saye macam giant la plak.. tp tkpe.. baru baru dia smpi, dia sms, sye pun kluar la bilik, nmpk dia.. tahu dia buat ape? tenga tgk reflection. haha!! then dia cabut jap bile nmpk saye kat corridor tu.. then dia dtg alek. cute je.. jatuh hati jatuh hati.. cmne cmne.. malunye! tu je main kat kpale. tk pun saye terfikir kalau dia tasuke saye ke dia lari ke. yg saye tahu, saye malu.saye segan tgk dia. saye rase lemah nk mamps! [heh. gatai noh. ne de gatai. org bcinta. adeyh. suko hati je kate gatai. sekeh kang! ahaks! bnyk cmpr dialect melayu ku! isk..]

ok dah jmpe.. saye tk sebut sepatah pun mase dia dlm bilik. saye tersenyum2 sorg.. segan sngt.. malu giler. haha! dia kene borak ngn my daddy & mummy. sye tgk dia pn tidak. skali skale je. kehkeh.. tapi saye tahu dia rase rase nk makan saye je time tu.. sbb biar dia di-soal siasat.. maaf k.. hehe.. tp tkpe.. mmg saye rase dia nk geget je saye ni.. ahaha!! :)

so the next day la kite kluar my family and him.. segan gak.. bnyk la dia tnye.. dia asyik tnye soalan ni "nape awak tak suke tgk muke saye bila bbual ngn saye?". saye tataw la.. byk kali dia soal saye. adeyhh.. sorie, jawapan bg soalan ini masih misteri. huhuu! ok ok.. :)

so yes.. saye syg dia.. bila time sms, dia asyik tukar2 name untuk saye, tk pnah tetap.. dia ikut mood kot.. most of time dia pggl awak syg, tp kdg2 syg dia tkde.. kdg2 awk dia tkde.. yay! hoho! cian saye.. tapi tkpe.. saye faham.. dia bkn this type of person.. cume bile time dia manje sngt, dia pggl saye putri, yunk, cyg[mcm2 ejaan taw.], dak bucuk, sweetheart byk2.. exciting gile sngt sngt! saye paling happy time dia sms putri, terasa manje sngt. seriously, i felt loved.. so lovedd..

he taught me 464.. i taught him 143. :)

i remember that time when i cried because it was my last night there.. :( so i sms-ed him not to leave me and not to find other girls, nak togther forever ever.. ngee! so touchy.. isk! ok.. i never felt that sad leaving someone whom i just met for some time[5days actually].. and i cried.. i was practically on the phone for 1 hour plus in malaysia, then continued sms-ing.. huhuh.. here's an extract of what he said;

-".. kn permintaan awk jgn ad gurl lain. so sy kena tunaikn la. insyaallah. lgpn byk bnd sy x leh lupa."

-"..kita hanya bleh berdoa n usaha shj. selebihnya tuhan je. sy pun x nk describe perasaan ni. sy merindui awk.awk doakn kejayaan sy ye. sy syg awk."

-"awk dh la, jgn nanges.sy tetap berada dsisi awk walaupun awk ad jauh dr sy..."

-"klu awk xnanges ngn sye. awk nk nanges ngan sape lg. sy nk jd tempat awk ley mengadu n smua bnd la.."

-".. awk jgn la mcm ni. awk, sy syg awk. so jgn pk yg bkn2."

huhu.. yes yes! i kept his sms-es from our first.. the times that can make me smile.. :) most of the sms-es have disappeared.. so sad.. ye la, jari cepat sangat delete all.. :(( i wished all these stayed true.. :( but i dont know.. it seem like only yesterday he sent this.. haih.. and it's all over right now..

haih.. our first meet was for 5 days[dec07]. the second meet was for 3 days[june 08]. the final meet was only for a few hours[dec08]. :( so i only saw him for 9days only ok? :( out of the months and months and months.. so sad..

then came the fateful day.. 040109, i asked for it. he gave it on 060209. im shattered with the content of the document. it was unexpected.. but i guess if what was written came from his heart, it must be true.. i was rather broken and destroyed, distraught.. i felt so depress that i kept to myself though im with a bunch of ppl.. they know what happened, but they cant do much to make me that senget giler.. except when taking photos! i'll delightfully flash my smile! only Allah knows how fake my happiness & smile was.. only Allah know what was running through my mind when i did the things i shouldnt, the things we were taught not to do.. :(

but no matter how hard i try to forget him since i was the dumb dumb one who asked for the split.. i couldnt help but regret.. somehow, i feel that he has already found someone else.. someone that can make him laugh, smile like he used to.. sometimes i just dont know.. :(

maybe, it is time for me to move on too.. forget him from my life.. open my heart to someone else, someone new.. but unfortunately im not that type of person.. im not the type that just grab any opportunity that presents itself.. im just waiting for him.. waiting for a miracle.. or just waiting for moments like what didie did to me.. erase me from his life.. only then i can move on knowing he wants me out forever..

till then, i'll wait for him. he's my sweetest bump.. my sweetheart.. my special someone.

Conclusion: fadzil has been my sweetest empire ever since i've known him.. his patience is very evident. even when i sms him too emotionally, an sms filled with both sadness, anger, criticism.. he was always cool about it.. but i know he's confused very well inside.. im the cause of his serabut-ness.. i add on to it with my silly emo sms.. i know he's irritated by the way he replied to the sms i sent. huhu. but at the end of the day, he knew why i went haywire.. he was always making sure i felt very secured & loved by him..

but i blew it.. i left him stranded.. he did what he did because he feels that i liked my ex-still. but i dont. that was one thing he didnt see from me.. he shut his heart to see the fact my love was stronger than he thought. i had to filter things to not make him feel so jealous but still wanting him to know about things going on in my life. but by filtering, i created a mess. a mess that created havoc. maybe i dont understand him well enough..

fadzil, although i left you, you usually would know how i really felt right? u always know how i felt bout you without me saying. you always knew whether why i was ok or not when we talked.. u could always sense when something was amiss.

but i just couldnt understand why you couldnt see the reason i was that uptight when talking about didie to you. i know you're jealous.. you know me well enough although at times, things get complicated. i know you know me well. i know you do.

unlike didie, who left me stranded without a valid reason, i cannot understand why you wrote what you wrote in that letter.. if it really came from heart, i really want to know why were you not honest about it to me.

i'll eventually talk to you to find out the reason. i want to be at peace at it, with it.. just in case, i dont live long enough. i want to know. at least i'll be happy with it even if i cry a bucket filled with blood. ok? can?

fadzil, i dont deny i have failed u teribbly.. i failed you as friend, a girlfriend, a syg.. ;(

i know u said in that letter, saye anggap awak sebagai sahabat karib & u want it to be that way. but there's something u have to know. but i have to tell u in person. i mean when i call u. remind me if i forget k.

i'm such a heart breaker..

written by an unrest soul.