when i think too much*

first of all, saya nak kata, helo kepada kawan kawan malaysia saya yang datang melawat blog ni. terutama sekali, saya bukanlah orang malaysia. so camne saya nak tolong promote barang-barang ke link link awak bagi ni.. sedih saya taw.. ye, kadang-kadang, post saya ni mmg ade loghat orang sana.. maklumlah, ada sedara mara orang sana kan. so, saya pun suka suki je letak istilah percakapan orang sana.. hehehe* lagipun, saya ramai gak kawan saya kenali melalui social networking sites ni. so, hehe! camne saya nak tolong awak yew? meh habaq kat i meh.. =)

ok. besides that. it is 2 weeks into summer semester and school looks good for me. :) i love school! i am super higly motivated although my heart is uber heavy. yet, i reassure my smiles will always be carved and i wont let my tears fall anymore. so i'll be strong for myself every night and every day. the stronger i get, the easier i let my feelings fade away. yet, sometimes, thoughts just bring you much closer to the things you want to let go.

for instance, when i was on the 184 bus from school, out of the blue, the thought of noor came to my head. :( it hurts me somewhat.. because, my memories flashed back to the first time he picked me up from my house carpark with Sally (his bike) to meet Syakir (i literally jeling him. hahaha! perangai!) and Pamela (first time i met pammy the sweetie). he texted me saying Syakir ask him to ask me out.. but i asked him instead, if he himself missed me and wanted me to be there. HAHA! ok lah. i miss him too right. heh* and so yes, i did met them at Chong Pang Mcdonalds in which he wouldnt believe me the way there. HAHA!! so cute.. can sort of have a mini "arguement" on the bike.

me: turn left here. you want to go chong pang right?

him: yes. but i only know from the mrt line that way.

me: chong pang turn left la.

and he turned. i know he didnt believe me coz i always assured him i minah sesat who will bound to get lost even in my own estate.

after meeting them, that was the first time, i ever went to Yishun/Seletar Dam. all my life, i didnt know it existed until he brought me there last year on 10th feb (i am a sucker for some sweet dates. please dont mind me.)

at the moment when all four of us went together to the dam, i never felt happier though i didnt know syakir and pamela much and i just got to know noor in a way or another a bit better than the other two. at that instant, i knew i was falling for him. falling hard and falling fast. but i couldnt help myself for falling for him. it was unintentional.. and i guess i was pretty happy, excited and all the feelings mixed into one that i cannot describe to anyone. i felt somewhat secure and pretty darn elated i must admit. then we went to jalan kayu and hahaha! i was late for my driving lesson. 25mins late to be exact. and at that time, i felt touched with the way he treated me. it maybe something simple that a friend will do for another friend.

he told me to text him if i had lessons or not, and he will be waiting outside for me.

sometimes when we are late, lessons are automatically canceled after a certain timing given and not turning up. yet, when it comes to me, what he said touched me so much that, i dwell deeper into my feelings. i fell for him even more. :( he was sweet enough to take the blame for sending me late. but truth was, i didnt want to go even though i sort of showed i wanted to go for my driving lessons. yet at the same time, i didnt want to leave him but i had to. :( my feelings are complicated.

saying this, i didnt have a clue why i fell for him.. i had feelings for him and now i just have to leave my feelings for him. seriously, it hurts me to do this to myself but it is not his fault. every time i went out with him, i felt love brewing in me. i felt love pouring out to him when i know from the start i could never win his heart. at times, i wish i never told him i like him. i wish, i never said i love him. i wish i never met him. yet, at the same time, if i never met him, i wouldnt know the feeling of falling into love unconditionally and the feeling of butterflies in the tummy that goes wild at the sight of him, getting to ride Sally and Erica, his smile that melts the heart, at his text messages that makes me crazy sometimes and his charm plus the things i can never pinpoint to that made me have a crush on him in the first place. i really miss him this instant typing all this things.

what can i say. im just an ordinary simple girl, boys like to play with. i feel naive. i know guys dont appreciate me for whom i am at my frequency around them. :( it hurts my heart to know that i am just a puppet..

i dont blame noor for anything coz i know i creep him out in a way.. :( i love myself and i have feelings for him. i want to let my feelings for noor go. but it's hard for me to do so. why wont he make my life way easier by telling/texting/msging./email-ing me to go away. get lost or something? it's not hard right? you dont have to see me to say it. just showcasing the words that can make me lose my feelings for you will make me lose it soon enough. i may cry, i dont deny, but i'll move on coz you said something that shows i really should stop my feelings. why wont he do it? sigh*

it's hard for me to do it alone because when i see his msgs, his photos on my facebook, that just brings the moments i have with him rushing back to me. i feel like crying. i was over my own feelings. i made my feelings for him. why is it that i cant be the one to let him go when i myself know i have ZERO chances of having him, and i know he has an ultimate ZERO feelings for me.

now you readers tell me why it's hard? HELP!! i need him but i know i cant. i need to let him go but why is it so hard.. :(

i am so damn hurt with my ex. i concluded that he never loved me though he claimed to have love me. why must i believe him? i left him coz i could feel he has lost interest in me.. and when we broke up, he said, he did like me but only as his sister. as his damn sister?? after the 14 months I stick to him.. he treated me as a freaking sister. confused as i get, i dont know what his intention was. and for that, i could not forgive him. maybe not now. in years to come, i might be able to forgive him. though 2years have passed after we broke up, i still cannot forgive him. he dare say he still sayangkan saya. when i asked why. he say, belum masanya nak bagitahu. whatever it is, i still cannot forgive you because of the words you say. i would have appreciated if you said you hated me. oh, and to my ex, i am so glad she is part of your life. and please stop denying you dont have a girl with you. and please dont control what i do. im your ex mind you.

i am a naive girl who lets boys play with her feelings. my ex dont appreciate me. i doubt noor appreciates me as well (im being judgmental here for noor's case). how am i to feel about myself when boys i love and used to love keep pulling me down? :(

thats all i can do..be a puppet for you.. it hurts me so much that i am in tears.

i miss you noor, i really do but i have to let you go. can you make my life easy, by telling me to go and not ignoring me. i dont take signs. i cant read what ignoring me means. just tell me to go because you want me to go.

i was not good enough for my ex. i will not be good enough for noor too. i will not be good enough for any boys that i love. i will never be good enough for both of you.

i guess.. i will only be good enough for the boy who could appreciate me for me. for who i am as a girl. a person. an individual who has a heart that has been broken. once by her ex. two by herself.

i am just a girl with an invisible tiara. you can never see me as a princess unless you make me your princess like the way i made you my prince..